Hiya

It’s been too long.
Some things have changed dramatically since I last posted, for example I’m working full time outside the home, and that is going very well.
Some things are the same. My son is still with that same person. She still is holding him down, though he has learned some strategies to cope.
It breaks my heart of course. Every mom wants their son to thrive and find a partner that will help them shine.
It’s not my life.
I tell him I love him and that’s my role now.

(If only he would spread his wings a little more and find his own place!)

That’s it for now.

It’s nice to be back!

Psycho

http://ideaspots.com/5-things-sociopaths-narcissists-say-make-feel-crazy/

She's nuts. But he's crazy for her. 🙁

Smashed

He schmucked my car - HARD - in the driveway a couple weeks ago.  Though I don't think he did it on purpose, he has been very lax about taking control to fix it. In fact he has done sweet diddly all to even try to make amends let alone get it fixed.

My car is now worth next to nothing. I'm sure insurance will write it off and make my son's insurance go through the roof for years! Stupid me, I thought "let's make it easier on him. Let's find the easiest cheapest solution for HIM". So I researched the insurance, I got quotes form a body shop, I called wreckers up and down the Island to look for the best source for parts, I researched replacement s for my car... 

Does he appreciate it? Hard to tell.

Did he help? Fat chance.

Would he engage in a dialogue about what would be best for both of us? Nope. He avoided talking about it as though he had no part in the destruction or inconvenience at all!

WTF!

My brain hurts. My car is mangled, my heart is broken and I get nothing. A sad, quiet little "Sorry about your car mom" after dad had to talk to him.

I'm not the first mother to go through this, and I know it could be so much worse, but that doesn't mean I have to like it! 

After all I worked hard for that car, I worked hard to keep it looking nice. Now it looks like a POS. And trying to get money from him to fix it will be like blood from a stone.

No go

The bike shop job didn't pan out.

Now he is crankier than ever with me.

My heart is broken. I can't fix it and I suspect I shouldn't even try.

Fumbling

I'm not sleeping.

Okay. I'm sleeping but it's not restful 

Stress and nightmares worrying about my son.

The other day it looked like he was going to do what needed to be done. But she pulled him back in, hook, line and sinker. My sweet gullible boy. So big hearted he doesn't see the harm.

I'm glad he saw the harm enough to want to leave for a bit, but it only lasted a few hours.

He's wearing the love goggles.

Hostage situation or intervention?

Another stressful day.

I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand to see another day of him wandering around watching YouTube in his underwear and waiting for his girlfriend to summon him. So I asked my son what job would be good. He said the bike shop would be his holy grail of jobs. I said great, put on some pants and grab your resumes, I will drive you to them all! He said no. I said why. He didn't have a good reason so I said lets go, he said no. I insisted. Then I got mad. Not like screaming rage, but I couldn't stop smiling wide eyed and crazy as I sarcastically told him his life sucks because I want to drive him to apply for dream jobs. I was at risk of really losing it. The lack of logic has my brain twisted right up!

So I told him I wouldn't stop bugging him until he agreed and I promised not to say a word if he got in the car.

He eventually did.

He was so stressed I thought he might throw up at the first place. The second place slightly better, the third not great, the fourth okay, and the fifth had me waiting (happily) for a good half hour, outside in the car of course. That last place was great and they want him there, they just need to talk to the owner.

He was in a great mood!

Then he read some texts from his girlfriend and his brow furrowed, then he got anxious and agitated and then frantic. He put himself in his room sobbing, and said he hated ultimatums. Too many ultimatums. I asked him if he was okay and he told me to "just F@c! Off" so I said I love him and quickly backed off.

Shortly after that dad came home. I brought him up to speed... Not fun.

Dad went into the garage to do something and our son came out of his room looking frail and frantic and half crazy with worry.  I said "where are you going?" He said "out". I asked if I should be worried and he asked me to butt out. I pointed out that he didn't look in any condition to help his girlfriend like that. I suggested he might want to compose himself before he ran off. Weirdly he listened. He stopped and apologized for swearing at me. He sat and calmed down. He started looking okay (but still frazzled). Then dad came in and he asked to talk. It was a long talk. He explained how worried we are seeing him out of control, with zero ambition or will to grow up. We asked him to find something anything that makes him feel good and make it a priority right now. We said some hard truths about young love and bad relationships.

Our son said being with his girlfriend feels good. But I did say that frantic expression tonight didn't look like he was going off to do something pleasant. He said it's usually better than that. It wasn't a fun talk. Things were said that probably weren't easy to hear. But we kept saying we care, we believe in him, we really genuinely want what's best for him, and this existence he's got going on now isn't it.

Did I do wrong by forcing him to apply today? Maybe. But for a bit he seemed pretty pleased with his own abilities. I had to kick his butt hard, but he moved. How can he expect me to stop interfering if it's the ONLY way to get results?

I'm not proud of myself, in fact I feel a bit ashamed for doing it. Damn it I refuse to enable the shiftless behaviour! He's been unemployed for over three months!! And his new routine of doing Jack is not doing anyone any favours.

Parenting is tough. 

Hair pulling

Another great article from empowering parents https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/motivating-underachievers-part-i-when-your-child-says-i-dont-care/ 

Great tidbits... 

When he says he doesn't care, I should say that I can't make him care but... “It Matters to Me.” be very clear and tell him that what he does matters to him. Personalize it by saying, “It matters to me. I care about you. I want you to do well. I can’t make you do it and I won’t force you. But it matters to me and I love you.”

And...

Regardless of why he might have an attitude of learned helplessness, as a parent, it’s important to stop doing things that he needs to do for himself. Don’t do his homework—let him do it. Be available for help if necessary, but don’t take on his tasks. He has to learn independence, and if i take on his responsibilities, I'm robbing him of this chance to develop.

Adult or Child?

I'm thinking my son might be stuck in limbo. Right now he wants all the freedom of adulthood with none of the responsibilities. And he's getting away with it because I'm scared to damage him or chase him away.

I found this at psychologytoday.com ... living in the child mode is largely chaotic and dysfunctional, whereas living one’s life as a adult is generally more adaptive and successful. Retaining a child’s frame of reference has numerous disadvantages: for example, people who operate from this perspective often find it difficult to formulate their goals and priorities in life and tend to feel helpless and victimized. They blame others for the problems they encounter rather than taking responsibility for how people react to them. In reality, people largely determine the course of their lives and determine the way that others respond. Lastly, reacting to life in a childlike manner can be quite emotional but often lacks a depth of genuine feeling.

Also... challenge a passive-dependent orientation.

Identify behaviors that are symptomatic of the child mode and change them by adopting more adult responses. Among the more straightforward, easily identifiable childish behaviors are sulking, whining, complaining, manipulating to get sympathy, continually seeking direction, acting in a disorganized, incompetent and irresponsible manner, procrastinating, habitual lateness, carelessness and slovenliness and being neglectful in relation to one's health.

In addition, it is important to challenge feelings of inferiority, submissiveness and a passive-dependent orientation in relation to authority figures, friends and loved ones. By holding on to parental substitutes and continuing to depend excessively on others by acquiescing to their wants, needs and points of view, it is evident that you will remain a child. It is also important to recognize when you are being defiant or rebellious in your responses and strive to take a more rational adult position. Submission and defiance are equally childish; both are outer directed and tend to elicit parental responses of either approval or disapproval.

Sigh... How to gain control?... One method is to look for discrepancies between your actions and your stated goals; these contradictions are often caused by unconscious or partly conscious "critical inner voices." By bringing these voices into conscious awareness and recognizing how they are influencing your behavior, you can change behaviors that are dictated by the internal negative thought process and gain insight into areas of your life where you have difficulty maintaining an adult perspective.

Taking time to reflect on your emotions and considering the consequences of your actions fosters a rational approach to problem solving.

Recognize that perceiving others as responsible for your problems is immature and maladaptive. In actuality, you create your own circumstances, so you can be active in changing them.

Carefully consider or explore feedback rather than reject it summarily, then decide which aspects of the feedback you agree or disagree with, and respond from an adult perspective.

An important aspect of being an adult involves envisioning goals that express your unique identity and interests, and then taking the actions necessary to achieve these goals. Actively strive and compete for your objectives, both personal and vocational, rather than seeking satisfaction in fantasy. Make a concerted effort to maintain personal integrity in your life by insisting that your actions correspond to your words.

The next question is... Does he want to be an adult? Or continue (at present) as a child? It's a yes or no question.

Yes:

Adult Responsibilities such as paying bills, fulfilling commitments, take care of yourself, provide goals for today and tomorrow, keep house.

No school=Rent

Also, adults have freedom once their obligations are met. He could do what he wants with his rented space (so long as he doesn't damage it or endanger anyone) freedom of time, freedom to time his own goals. Also freedom from parental nagging.

No:

Kid Responsibilities such as obeying parental rules, asking permission to be late or miss meals, do chores to help the whole family, make sure parents know where you are, polite behaviour is required, accept parental guidance graciously.

Either way... We love him and want him safe and happy!

Also either way, I want him to show me a list of goals and a map to get there.

I want 3 applications a day sent out online, 3 paper resumes and 3 follow up calls PER DAY until he is employed. I want him to make getting a job his job.

He CAN do it! And I EXPECT him to do it! In fact, I DEMAND he does it!

Consequences should be a request for him to find a different place to live. (Scary!) 24 hours on first infraction, longer if he persists. With this whole girlfriend ego sabatoge going on, I am nervous about that. He is so fragile right now... But after reading the above, I'm starting to wonder if he is fragile so he can keep from growing up (an idea he has always fought against)

Hmm.....

Roller coaster

My mood is swinging from a tall branch these days. 

Sad... That I am powerless right now

Frustrated... That he's not doing ANYTHING that resembles responsibility 

Angry... That I can't slap some sense into him

Anguished... That I can't sweep him up into a hug and say "I will fix it"

Giddy... Because I don't know what to do with all these emotions

Scared... That I will do something to drive him farther away

Scared... That it will get worse

Scared... That he won't know what a healthy relationship is

Scared... That he will get stuck where he is.

None of these emotions feel good and it's affecting my interactions with the household and a lack of drive for work and for house. I wish there was a reset button, but I'm not sure when it started to go wrong?

Why doesn't he want to work? To exercise? To help earn his keep at home?

Operation independent son

My oldest is nineteen. He's living here unemployed and mooching food, hydro, and an over-enthusiastic mom that wants to mother. He needs more from life. 

The message has to be, ‘To live in this house, you need to show us that you are working towards independence. We need to see that—and you need to help yourself make that happen.'

Empoweringparents.com has some advice for living with an adult child. Questions to ask, rules to establish...

• How will we know this is working?
• “We’ll know because everyone will be doing their fair share. We’ll be respectful of each other.”
• How will we know it isn’t working?
• “We’ll know if someone isn’t pulling their weight or starts overstepping boundaries.”
• What will we do if it’s not working?
• “You will make plans to leave within a month.”
• What will we do if it is working?
• “We’ll continue with our original plan of while you are taking classes.”

Anytime I start to feel resentment, I have a responsibility to ask myself , “How am I not addressing this issue and how am I stepping over my own boundaries here?” I want to make sure that I take responsibility for what I need and what I am asking for. Otherwise I'm going to be saying “yes” to something I really want to be saying “no” to—and that’s not good for any relationship.

How do I know when it's time to say enough is enough and ask him to leave?

• When you feel that you’ve done your part responsibly, or that your child is not living up to his part of the bargain and is taking advantage of you, it may be time for him to move out.

Sit down and talk with him if things are not working out. Say, “If you are going to stay here, I expect certain respectful behavior; otherwise you’re not welcome here. There are certain respectful ways that you live in a house with others and if that’s not possible for you, then maybe it’s time for you to leave.”

Before we ask him to leave, we must think about how we as parents might be contributing to the escalation of frustration or arguments. If he says something that makes me angry, how do I handle that anger? Do I handle it in a way that makes things worse, or better? Remember, We are the parents. No matter how immature he is being, we need to stay grounded; don’t go to that place. Instead, stay connected to the principles that we want to live by as parents. And that may be to simply come back later in a mature way and say, “Look, we are having some problems here and this is what your dad and I think.”

We need to acknowledge how any worries have perhaps contributed to a feeling of helplessness, of being defeated before we've even begun.  Remember that the way to transform helplessness is through action: repeated, focused action towards the life we want for ourselves and for our adult child. See if we can find something that seems doable, even something small, and take positive action in that direction.

I think my next step is to sit down with my husband to draft a "living arrangements contract" to clearly state the rules for our son living here. I know my husband has expectations and so do I. We want to foster independence and not lose our own minds in the process. 

This parenting thing is HARD!

I might be a helicopter mom.

Feeling pretty sure of myself I searched "symptoms of helicopter mom". I thought I could be cocky and confident that wasn't ME, but the list on afineparent.com was eye openingly similar to my style. Not everything, but enough to freak me out. What if it's true?! What if I have eroded my children's ability to self-problem solve?! What if it's too little too late now?

One of the things suggested is journaling... So here it goes. Dusting off the blog.

The reason I am suddenly worried about the title is because I have been called it. I shrugged it off thinking they didn't know where I was coming from. What makes them the expert to call me that?!  Now I feel terribly guilty. I still want to protect my kids from harm and failure. Sure I let them play rough, but I am horrified to think that they might be ill equipped to handle anything! I lecture, I prod, I beg... And they ignore me until I do it for them. Oh man! That's horrible! How did I make that happen?!?! 

Smart kids, strong kids, but by no means independent. And time for parental teaching is running out! 

How can I foster success at this late date? 

(Why didn't anyone tell me before)

Time to re-learn how to parent (gulp)

Unanswered Urges

The urge to paint is back.... not the walls, but a genuine creative expression! I have the materials, I have the time, I even have the drive... what I am missing is the space to freely make a mess. (And trust me, I am a MESSY artist).

I don't want to do a cute little painting to hang on my wall. I want to do DOZENS of messy, fun, colourful painting/collages to go on everyone's walls! Last week I noticed my local coffee shop's walls were bare - what a shame. I bet I could help with that. (Hey, maybe I should ask them if I can take up a corner of floor space and work there? Like live music, only quieter? LOL)

I want to cut, glue, texturize and really play with the paintings. I want to get my fingers dirty and experiment with my creative instincts!

But seriously, where to paint? My older boy's room would be perfect (at the end of the hall, close-able door) but he is still using it as a bedroom. I can't move in there yet.

Garage is very occupied by useful garage things. Sheds are dark and full of stuff. Back patio is too hot and exposed to all the dog hair, dust and mosquitos that fly around outside. My office is already chaotic (and exposed the rest of the family as part of the family room)...

I may have to wait to play. That's okay. My brushes aren't going anywhere. I can sketch while I wait... sketch and plot my canvas dreams.

Dinner

Growing up, I loved eating at Kim's house best of all. All sitting at the dinner table set with placemats and the polite chatter and passing of serving dishes full of "fancy" foods. And afterwards Kim's dad would play on the piano while the mom would set out a dessert. It was all so civilized and beautifully presented compared to my house. 

At my dad's house it was buffet style every night. Pots on the stove, take your plate up and take some of everything whether you like it or not (or else you'd get an ear full about being ungrateful). We'd sit down to the the bare table and try to be quiet (children should be seen and not heard especially girls). When everyone was done, the kids cleaned up the kitchen. 

During visits to moms house it was more fun. We were allowed to eat most breakfasts and lunches at the tv, and dinners were exotic! Crepes, Greek food, interesting frozen foods that I didn't know existed outside my mom's place. Her kitchen was always clean.

Even though they were three completed different styles of eating, it was all family time sitting together for a meal every single night. Even though my mom worked long hours and my dads wife worked too, dinner was sacred. No extra curricular activities interfered with the dinner. Sometimes it had to be early or later than usual, but it always happened. 

Going to a restaurant was only for special occasions and take out almost never happened.

I hear that the ritual of family dinners is getting rare. Not in this house! Thankfully my husband also was raised on home cooked dinners (his mom is a homemaker), so it was agreed very early in the relationship that dinner time is our together time. Having kids didn't change that, in fact it reinforced it. In this day and age of everyone watching a different screen at night and the disjointed hobbies, the time to sit and face each other and talk with no agenda except eating together is so very precious to me as a parent. Hopefully they will be able to continue this sacred tradition when they start their own families.

From the bottom of my heart, I think eating a meal together that has been prepared at home creates a bond that lasts. I think it's healthy not just because it's home made, but because it's time spent nourishing each other. The act of making the food and hearing and smelling it being made primes the brain for this together time. And if they aren't home when I'm making dinner, they still anticipate the time they should be home and know we expect them to be with us and rely on their participation to make it a family meal. That's got to be comforting! I know in hindsight it was for me.

As I got older (16 or so), I had work that would keep me away some nights. It felt weird and slightly lost to come home after dinner was over and cleared away. Then my sister moved out early to live with mom and the dinner table felt like it was missing a vital piece. Then my dad started cancer treatments and would be gone often, then just gone. :(

In short, the house stopped being a home when we stopped eating as a family. It became just where I slept, ate and kept my stuff. That made it easier to move out I guess, but not nice.

I don't know why I suddenly felt nostalgic about the kitchen table... 

Here's a salute to the cooks of the home! May your meals bring the people you love together, not just on special occasions but on every day of the year!

Bye 2014 - Hellooooo 2015

(Photo from my wild looking veggie plot this July)

Whoah, that went fast!
I feel like the year went by particularly speedy this time (of course having that ridiculous flu/bronchial infection for over a month of it didn't help).

Time to recap the year with a 2014 Resolutions Report Card:

MORE: 
B+  time outside, walks and gardening and painting trim gave me lots of time outside this year.
A+  wholesome food, nothing but good stuff for my body by the end of this last year
A    gardening, lots of amazing foods came out of our plot this year!
B    billable hours, I changed gears and it paid off
B    kindness, I took the time to reach out to good people and now we are friends
C+  learning, I have read some great ideas, in all sorts of areas, but not implemented it as much as I could
C    housecleaning, Same as ever. A struggle with dirt and grime.
C    patience, Next!
A    quiet time, Honoured my needs by enjoying time by myself gardening or reading more
B+   time for loved ones, every dinner together as a family and walks as a family helped create an excellent forum for contact
C+   creating art, I bought supplies and clipped ideas, but not much happened yet
A++ respecting my health, marvellous results! Paleo has worked miracles for my family

LESS: 
B chaos, schedules, decluttering, better health all help have less chaos
A++ processed foods, that crap isn't allowed in my body any more!
C+   useless stuff, I bought an ornate chinese noise maker because it was so beautiful, and a stuffy because it made me laugh, and more clothes than I need... but I'm getting better!
C     procrastinating, room for improvement. minimally meeting expectations
C     pushing my opinion, lifelong challenge for my obstinate nature. no worse than usual.
B     TV definitely watching less. we only have basic TV and no desire for any more.

Continuing on this path, I want to accomplish more of the same for this year: 
A comfortable, safe environment to live and work for myself and my dear family through good nutrition, growth through learning, clean home, loving attitude, calm listening and healthy habits.

So far so good. No grains, processed, dairy, sugar, nor legumes is leaving us with an amazing, colourful, delicious menu and we feel great! Not sure one ingredient is the magic bullet here, probably a combo of some causing enough inflammation to make the others harmful. I don't even care, this is sustainable.

I feel especially blessed that  live in a time and place where food choices can be for optimum health, not just survival. I can be a food snob only because I live here and now. And trust me, I am thankful to my very core for that fact.

I am optimistic about this year, my oldest is graduating high school (if the stars align), and moving into manhood. He will either move north or continue with school (or both). One thing  I am sticking by my guns with.... if he's not in school he will be paying full market price for room and board. 18 is adult, no matter what generation he's from! This year, I am getting serious about teaching him to bachelor cook and keep house (he knows how to cook an assortment of breakfasts, does laundry and vacuuming already). He's got a good sense of money handling, but his follow through is terrible, so he will have to be taught how to internet bank and pay bills too. 

The odd part is I don't remember my parents teaching me a damn thing about money except that it was hard to come by. Ample chores taught me how to keep house and prep-cook, but the bills were "none of my business". It was a rude awakening when I moved out. Rent contracts, tuition, supplies, phone, hydro, keeping clothed and getting the house outfitted from scratch (I had only one cooking pot for a few months), all of the car expenses, FOOD.

But that was the past.... THIS year I will work towards preparing my boy for independence along with the regular goals for health and prosperity.